To mental health professionals- There's a BIG problem.

As I sat in the dark all alone, dark thoughts riddled my body. The thought of continuing to get up each day was unbearable and I knew that before soon, I would attempt to stop that process happening. 

I knew I needed to ask for help. But why was that so hard? Why was asking for people to save me so petrifying? I can see now exactly why. The fear of the unknown. The fear of rejection. The fear of being laughed at. The fear of being ignored...the list goes on. 

There is a BIG problem. 

Mental illness is not recognised in the severity it should be. People go unnoticed, they are seen as 'not ill enough yet" or there isn't enough money. People die because they are not taken seriously.

Vulnerable people shouldn't have to fight for treatment. Vulnerable being the key word!

THESE PEOPLE NEED HELP, NOT HINDRANCE.

If I was treated seriously, I may not have attempted suicide so many times. I may not have lay there critically on numerous occasions. When I young person comes in and says they are going to try and kill themselves THEY ARE SCREAMING FOR HELP! SO HELP THEM! 

But no, I was sent away with another appointment as usual. This put fuel on the fire. This was the rejection and the ignorance I was scared about in the first place. 

This is what angers me!

As a young girl I was put in dangerous situations too many times to count. I have made myself seriously ill through suicide attempts in psychiatric hospital. Through people not listening to my threats.  My threats were promises, yet I wasn't listened to. 

I am sick and tired of hearing the same stories from other people. 

THIS HAS TO STOP. 

LISTEN.

ACT.

ENSURE SAFETY.

SAVE LIVES. 

Overcoming thoughts of relapse

Recovery is a long process, it doesn't happen overnight, or even in a week. Recovery is learning self acceptance, it's getting rid of all those behaviours that hold a grasp on you. It is giving yourself a chance to experience life in a way that is free from the bullies in your mind and instead open to the endless possibilities the world has to offer. 

But because recovery is a process and doesn't happen with a click of your fingers, there is always a chance that someone could be coming close to the finishing line and fall at the last hurdle, slipping back into an old injured state. This makes the thought of beginning recovery scarier than can be put into words. Here's some thoughts that affected me personally: 

•"What if the end result isn't as good as I expect it to be?"

•"If I put in all this hard work and relapse, it will all be for nothing"

•"How am I supposed to recover when I can't tell myself apart from my illness?"

It felt like recovery was pointless, when there is a chance of getting my hopes up and then falling back down. 

But the truth is that there is a chance of falling in whatever you do. There is a chance of an emotional stumble at work, in a relationship, training for a sport...the list is endless. 

It is so important in recovery to realise what you are fighting for. You are fighting for freedom, for a peaceful mind, for control of your mind and body the right way, for a chance to be you- not an illness. When thoughts of giving in to the bully in your head arise, you muse fight them! If you give in once it's a slippery slope downhill. 

You have the power to overcome your thoughts. You have the power to overcome your feelings. YOU have the power to see yourself in a different light. To see your worth and potential. So on that dark day when relapse seems the easiest option, remember these words: I can fight for my freedom. I am a winner. 

When the thoughts of relapse enter your head, remember that you are in control of your recovery, thoughts are powerful but they are just thoughts. They have no right to have any control over you. Write a list of pros and cons, talk to people. Don't let your illness keep secrets, because the more open you are with people, the better chance you have. As soon as you keep secrets from those around you or tell white lies, you are giving your illness the chance to take control- and that's not okay! 

I have every faith that you can overcome your demons, but by having faith in yourself...that's when you will go far. 

When it all becomes so normal....that's when you have a big problem.

You know there is a problem when seeing someone self harm or stop eating doesn't even cause you to bat an eyelid. But do you? 

The problem is that when you struggle with mental illness you forget that it isn't the norm. It isn't normal to see someone with a tube taped to their face and scars covering their body. It isn't the norm to see someone sobbing for hours or pacing around unable to sit down. 

But to a person that has spent long period of time in a hospital environment, this becomes something you see on a daily basis, it becomes so normal you are immune to the shock that others may experience witnessing the same sights. 

You see, our world becomes mental illness. We live and breathe it. We are surrounded by it each day, each night. It becomes normality. We become immune to the affects of other struggles to a certain extent. This in turn downplays our own struggles because it is normal to see I'm others, therefore it is normal to see in ourselves. 

So for a sufferer of Anorexia Nervosa who is institutionalised in such a way, seeing people who are so underweight, it becomes so normal. You don't think "gosh they're emaciated", it's just another person. It puts so much pressure on you when you are surrounded by people who are underweight and suffering. There is always someone thinner; after all you re in a unit for Anorexia. But if you were to be out in the real world you wouldn't always have that person thinner (who coincidently could be any size with such a distorted view) to compare yourself to. 

Living in the real world, it gives you back that sense of reality. It shows you the true meaning of life and gives you am idea of what you're missing out on. You see people going to work and school. You see couples walking down the street. You regain an idea of what a 'normal' life entails. A life that doesn't have to be exciting every minute of the day, but is peaceful. 

You see life beyond the four walls of a hospital, and certainly beyond mental illness. It's not easy, but it's possible 100%. If it's possible for others to live life, then it's possible for you too! 

"We will recover, the worst is over now."

Five years ago to this day, I was transferred to a psychiatric hospital for the first time, after being stabilised in a medical hospital with severe dehydration and malnourishment.

Five years ago I was fed via a tube, to keep me alive. I did not eat or drink anything for nine months whilst being tube fed and was fed through this tube, against my will. I was restrained when needed, so they could give me vital nourishment. All I could think about was being thin. I was hurting mentally and the obsession with loosing weight because a destructive distraction.

Since then I have spent birthdays and Christmas's in hospital. I have been sectioned under the mental health act. I have been classed as a "chronic self harmer" and "treatment resistant anorexic". I have been injected with medication and restrained for hours to stop me hurting myself. I have nearly died from suicide attempts.

But none of this is important anymore, because it is in the past. The past has no need to affect the present and certainly not the future. I cannot change the scars on my body. I cannot change my medical history. But I can change my behaviours and I can change the way people see me. I don't need to be the ill one anymore, because I have ambitions, I have goals and aspirations  and dreams of an exciting future! I have a support network surrounding me and I know I am cared for dearly.

You see, when you have been ill for so long, I know change is petrifying. It becomes your identity. Your armour almost. It hides the fragile person within that needs love and nurturing. I know you have it in you to let go of that armour. Because I can see you are strong. I can see you have an amazing future ahead of you. I can see you don't need to be afraid.

If I can get you to hear one thing, please let it be this:

It's okay to let go.

Just a little reminder...

When the going gets tough, when life brings you down, remember this: 

You are loved, but the most important love you need is the love towards yourself- that will get you far. 

I was talking to someone the other day and they said "Chloe I have a loving family and amazing friends, why am I still so unhappy?"

Well, that's because no matter how much others love you, without self love it means nothing. If you hate yourself and loathe who you are, why would someone else loving you make any difference? It just hits the brick wall you have built around yourself. I believe that we all have it in us to love who we are, but it takes time, maturity and patience. It takes work and effort.

How do you do this? That's something I can't give you. You have to make the decision to fight the monsters in your head and LISTEN to the world around you. Their compliments speak truth! The positivity other see in you doesn't appear out the blue. You have earned it for being the person you are. Please, take a moment to sit and write down the things you DO like about yourself, whether it be physically or emotionally. You have purpose in this world. You have wonderful qualities and I so wish that you can see what everyone else sees in you. 

If you can't write down any qualities for yourself (which is perfectly okay) how about asking someone else you trust to help you. Don't feel embarrassed doing this, I'm positive that they will be happy to help. 

YOU are a valuable part of this world, you are beautifully made and deserve The best chance in life. But you need to see that it takes a leap of faith on your part, it takes a leap into the unknown to see that you have endless possibilities in your life. Please please understand that self love is your chance of freedom. So fight! Fight as hard as you can. Fight to see yourself in the way everybody else sees you. 

I care, I love you. So many others do too. Please don't give up, one day you will look back on this as a distant memory. 

Fear- an insight.

The panic hit me, I could feel my heart beating through my chest. My hands became clammy and I lost the ability to sit still. I needed to calm down. Why did it feel so impossible? Why was I so scared?

Fear is a powerful emotion, was are faced with our 'fight or flight' instincts. Adrenaline pumps through our bodies, ready to react to any situation. But, sometimes fear is so unnecessary and something we just can't shift. It takes us when we least expect it. When we get nervous and feel fear, for example before an exam - fear can get in the way of the task we need to achieve. This becomes extremely inconvenient.

But for someone with mental illness fear comes in a way that can be completely debilitating . It stops people from committing themselves to recovery, myself included.

For such a long time my life was ruled by fear. Fear of being caught using self destructive behaviour, fear of when impulsive thoughts would hit me, fear of the future, fear of hurting the people I love so dearly...the list goes on and on.

I was in fear of recovery because I felt like mental illness was my identity. I didn't know how I would cope without using negative behaviour, who I would be without being known as "the girl that messed up at school", "the girl in hospital" or "the girl covered in scars". I didn't know how I was going to recreate myself. It made me so so scared. This held me back. I lost my friends, I didn't know how I was going to recreate myself.

I was in fear of recovery because my thoughts were so big and scary, that I didn't know how on earth they would give me a moments peace if I wasn't hurting myself. Hurting myself was what made the voices in my head quiet. The fear of losing that temporary silence is something that I will never forget.

I was in fear of recovery because I felt like I was setting myself up to fail. What if I couldn't do it? What if recovery is too hard? Then I would be failing and that is something I couldn't deal with. Sometimes I still find myself stuck at this point. I worry perfectionism will get the better of me and i I can't get recovery perfect (which isn't humanely possible!) Then there is no point trying at all.

But there is moments when I remember that I am human and this is totally okay. I don't have to get it right all the time. It is perfectly okay to make mistakes. When the mean bully in my head tells me I am useless, I try to respond with pity because I need to remember it is possible to succeed.

To let go of fear , we need to accept that being scared has a time and a place, and in order to move forwards we need to see that it doesn't have to take control. This is hard, but it is possible. Fear has no right to dictate over your life. By using certain emotions to counteract fear- such as excitement or anticipation, fear can be turn onto something positive.

It is okay to be scared, it is perfectly normal. It is when you start beating yourself up about it, that's not okay.

Is there someone you need to forgive?

What is forgiveness?

The act of forgiveness is to stop feeling angry or resentful towards somebody for an offence, act, flaw or mistake. But that is only what the dictionary tells s. I believe forgiveness is so much more. Forgiveness is a way of letting go of the past in order to move forward. It is a chance to give somebody the reassurance that you can give them a second chance. Sometimes forgiveness is something that happens many months of even years  after an event, on a personal level. You may not even know the person any more, but need to forgive them in order to stop getting caught up in what's already happened, so you can move on the the future. 

Forgiveness plays a huge part of recovery in my opinion. It is a chance to let go and move on from the negative emotions that have become so normal in day to day life. It is a chance to say to yourself that it is okay to move on. 

But one of the main acts of forgiveness that I believe is important is the act of forgiveness towards yourself. It is time to stop worrying about when you got angry because a friend said the wrong thing, or the time you skipped lunch because that was the only way you could handle your emotions at the time. It is time to say: "okay, the past is in the past. I need to let go."

'Letting go' isn't easy. it isn't something that happens with a click of your fingers. It is something that takes time and a lot of effort to achieve. But it is possible. I believe that the first step is to accept whatever has happened is in the past. It may be the argument you had with your Mum last week or the boy that bullied you through out primary school. Accepting that it is in the past is one step to showing yourself it doesn't have to be part of your future. Then it is time to remember what you will gain from forgiving. You will gain power- your negative thoughts will be overcome with thoughts of acceptance and forgiveness, giving you a calmer frame of mind. You will gain the ability to move forwards; anger, sadness and resentment will no longer be able to drag you back. You will heal, because you will be in control. 

When it comes to applying this in self forgiveness it is very similar. You need to accept the mistakes you have made, that everybody makes mistakes and that it is absolutely okay to forgive yourself. Accepting that we as humans are not perfect is a valuable life skill. Accept that what has happened is now over. It doesn't need to hang like a rain cloud over your head. Then think of the positives that come from self forgiveness. You are empowering yourself by not letting your emotions, thoughts or memories control you a second longer. Instead you are taking charge of your own mind and finding peace, through accepting yourself and your mistakes.  By accepting that you will make more mistakes in the future, (which is perfectly okay) you will become a step closer to being at peace with yourself and in control of your mind once more. 

In a state of panic and sadness a close friend told me that in order to move on, I need to try and forgive. It got me thinking. She is so right. Sometimes fear gets in the way of seeing what we need to do, and a gentle reminder parts that fear and helps us to focus. In order to move on in  life we can't hold on to the rubbish that has been and gone already; a lost job, a friends betrayal, a family feud...it all has to go. We can't expect to be able to put on new clothes, without taking the dirty ones off. We have to forgive. 

I am working my way through life and forgiving the people I need to forgive. It is brining a huge sense of relief, that I don't have to carry that weight on my shoulders any longer. It can bring the same to your life too! I am also trying to begin to forgive myself. I am searching for peace that is available to all of us. 

So no matter how big or small, I urge you to forgive someone or yourself for something that has happened during your life. It's worth it, I promise. 

Power to change!

When the pot holes of life slow you down your journey….

Sometimes life isn’t easy. It’s something that everyone has experience of! A bad day may consist of the car breaking down or the washing machine flooding the kitchen. Then there may be really bad moments when a love one falls ill or a family pet dies.

But for someone living with mental illness, every day becomes a battle. Every living moments takes ridiculous amounts of energy to function in a way that shows the rest of the world that nothing is wrong. That everything is okay. This may be because of fear of how loved ones will react, whether people will take you seriously or not wanting people to find out your ‘secret’ because the negative thoughts in your mind tell you that you mustn’t tell or that you have to suffer alone.

For someone living with mental illness, the thought of waking up the next morning to do it all over again is petrifying and drains any joy out of day to day life. It takes away the ability to congratulate yourself on small achievements, because why on earth would you be allowed a compliment? Mental illness is so upsetting. No one can SEE how much pain you are going through unless you tell them, which is most often the hardest part. You end up struggling along alone feeling so hopeless.

But once again, it doesn’t have to be this way!

You see, each one of us has the power to change. We have the power to make small changes each day to succeed in recovery. Each loved one of a sufferer has the power to make their lives more comfortable on a practical and emotional level. People in general in everyday life have the power to change.

For a sufferer:

When you are suffering from mental illness, it is like a huge cloud of rain that follows you around. Many sufferers feel so hopeless and undeserving that they chose to stand in that rain, get wet and become even more miserable. They chose to stand in the dark because it seems the easiest option. So why not at this point grab an umbrella or go indoors? The umbrella may not stop the rain or keep you completely dry, but it will help in the short term, until something more practical long term arises.  I believe the best decision would be to go somewhere warm and dry and turn on the light. It may be a long walk but surely it would be better to be inside eventually rather than not at all.  

The rain is like the thoughts, feelings and actions mental illness causes. Standing in the rain is the hopelessness that follows these thoughts and feelings. The inability to see the light and therefore standing and getting wet.  An umbrella is the help you can receive from others in your life. It’s a way to reach out and use support to stand in the rain- the negativity, but not let it affect you quite as much. Then there is going indoors, turning on the light and getting warm again. This is recovery. To get there may be a long journey under the rain cloud still, but at least you know where you are going. When you reach the warm dry place, your feelings start to level out, the negative thoughts become more balanced. When you turn on the light, you see the true beauty the world holds. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO TAKE THAT JOURNEY.

You have the power to choose not to let the rain cloud get you wet anymore. You have the right to reach out and use the people around you to keep you dry. You have the ability to walk the journey to the warm, dry place and turn on the light, because you deserve complete happiness and freedom!

For a loved one of a sufferer:

When mental illness hits the person you love, it may feel like you are slowly losing the person you know. You may see them changing in a negative way. This isn’t right. This isn’t fair. If you see your loved one hurting, talk to them. Sometimes it is so hard to reach out. They may be waiting for you to make the first move. Do not hesitate. They may get angry or try to hide the truth, BUT THEY LOVE YOU JUST LIKE THEY ALWAYS HAVE. Mental illness is hard. It tears your world apart. Show them that you love them every time you get the chance. Take the time to show them that they are not alone.

They are travelling from living under a huge dark cloud, to try and find a warm dry place. It’s not easy! It takes daily internal battles. I know it’s hard but please try to be patient. You will be thanked one day. Maybe you won’t feel it right now, but it will happen.

To someone who wants to make a change:

By being non-judgemental, you can make a change. By taking time to understand what it’s like for someone with mental health difficulties, you can make a change. By treating people with mental illness the same as other people, you can make a change. By showing that you are willing to support mental health charities and organisations, you can make a change. You can make a change in so many ways.

Smile at someone in the street, you never know, it might make their day. 

Tackling Thought Overload

One day I was sitting talking to a staff member in a unit, and they asked me what was wrong. I told them “I really don’t know.” And went on to explain it by saying….

Imagine this:

There is a big hall filled with 600 people:

THEY ARE ALL SHOUTING REALLY LOUD!

Imagine the noise they create.

Now try and listen to just one of those people.

It would be really difficult, right?

Those six hundred people are like the hundreds of thoughts that go round in my head at any one time. People ask me what I am thinking and when I say “I don’t know” I really mean it. It is so hard to pick out one of those thoughts from my head when they are all ‘shouting’ at once.

When I said I didn’t know how I was feeling, I really meant it. It’s upsetting because I wanted to scream from the rooftops WHAT IS GOING ON, EVERYTHING JUST GET OUT MY HEAD. But I knew that would do nothing.

So I had to be more strategic. I got a note book and a pen and I wrote down every possible emotion that I could possibly be feeling, from angry to hopeful to excited to determined…the list just went on! Then I sat and wrote next to each emotion situations in my life that may be making me feel this way. I then proceeded to write down the thoughts that would come with that situation and emotion. This took hours but I slowly began to unravel my thoughts.

Then came the most important, most difficult part. Talking about them.

My therapist when I was 13 or 14 explained thoughts as crumpled up pieces of paper, all thrown into your brain and when you have an overloaded amount all those thoughts are compressed down and fill up and up until they don’t fit. That’s when it becomes distressing. So to sort this out, all the thoughts need to come back out, be flattened out, folded up and put back in neatly. They can all be filed away in sections.

This takes time. It takes talking, processing and letting go of emotions that just do not deserve a place in your mind. It takes the strength to put negative emotions and thoughts in a box and leave them there. But it is possible.

It is possible to wake up each day and make the conscious decision to make sure your emotions and thoughts stay neatly filed away. It is possible to talk and process these thoughts with someone you trust.

If you are supporting someone who is going through this process, please be patient. Doing this brings a lot of thoughts to the top of somebodies mind that they may not have thought about for a long time. Therapy is hard work. It is not walking into a room, offloading then forgetting about it. It is emotionally draining. It takes time and effort. It breaks down internal walls. It may make the person involved tearful or irritable, but please stick by them. It is for their own good. It is for the good of everyone around that is involved in their life. So they can have their loved one back, without the fear that they are suffering.

If you are thinking about unravelling your thoughts, I promise it is going to be okay. I promise that although it will tough- but worth it. I know that you are suffering, and I am so sorry. But it won’t be forever. If you begin this process you will feel the rewards in the future.  Find someone you trust, whether that be a professional or a loved one. You deserve support to get through this difficult time.  

Isolation caused by mental illness

a poem I wrote popped into my head and is something I would like to share with you. I wrote this aged 15 whilst in hospital due to my eating disorder.

“This is my life now.

I wake up every morning, it feels no better than the last. I instantly think to myself “another day to get through, another day to pass.” I always try to be positive, and think the day will be okay, but optimism doesn’t cure sadness; I’ve learnt that the hard way.

I have tried to always stay positive and engage in ‘what will help me’ but there’s only so much strength I hold and now I’m running on empty. I have no reasons to keep fighting, stay strong or work so hard, no matter what I do my mind set is always ‘lose weight fast’. I have never been so lonely, in my whole entire life, as now. Just totally alone with nobody to care for me. I wish I could find a reason to live but no matter how deep within my soul I search – I find nothing.

I just want the world to give up on me now, let me do as I please. Maybe if I were to be given the chance I would prove myself wrong and succeed. But whilst I’m trapped within these four walls, the walls that are my mind, no taste for the world outside, I see nothing but a dismal life.”

I feel the poem speaks for itself. I felt hopeless, I couldn’t see a way out. I was trapped in my mind that was riddled with Anorexia and there was no glimmer of hope. No light at the end of the tunnel.

But, I feel I am an example that people with an Eating Disorder are not in any way a lost cause. I have learnt a lot in the last few years and although I still have a long journey ahead of me, I know that I have made progress and I have learnt a lot along the way. This still feels scary, but I am learning that it’s okay to be scared. I don’t have to be strong all the time. I am a human, just like everybody else. Nobody is ever perfect and that’s ok.

I still find it hard to believe that I will ever be truly free of my Eating disorder. Imagine carrying something around with you for years believing it was part of you and then slowly it is taken away from you bit by bit. Imagine trying to carry on with life without it. Sounds hard right? If you are supporting someone in recovery it is so important to remember this isn’t something that developed overnight, so it won’t go away overnight either. If you are in recovery yourself I would like you to remember, you are not alone. It is ok to let people in, I promise.

“People do not recover in isolation”

This quote is so close to home for me. I believe that the first thing Anorexia did was strip me of my friends and family. Anorexia wants you to be alone, it knows the power of strength in numbers and that it can take over your life if it takes that strength away.  Something I was once told by a nurse at a young age was to let other people hold onto hope that recovery is possible, when you can’t hold it yourself. If you are a friend/family member/carer of a sufferer I believe it is best hold onto that hope for them, they will thank you for it one day.

Are long inpatient stays in psychiatric hospitals beneficial for young people?

I thought I could share with you my experiences regarding inpatient services. I feel it is important that people understand hospital admissions are sometimes crucial and lifesaving when a young person is entrenched in their eating disorder and are suffering physical implications caused by this illness. I also feel it is completely necessary when someone has intent to hurt themselves and are therefore not fit to be in the community. I know from experience that changing this mind set does not come easily and because of this I agree that some people need long inpatient admissions to ensure safety. Unfortunately this leads to other implications, which I have also personally experiences.

As a young adolescent I was admitted to a psychiatric unit for children and adolescents and I stayed there for the best part of the year. Throughout that year I was deemed too unwell to go out and access the community, too unstable to attend school and too unsafe to go home or out with family for any length of time. My world became smaller and smaller. In fact my world became a small bubble within the unit. I lost sight of the ‘real world’ and I lived my life very much wrapped in cotton wool. This meant I had no motivators to change, because why would I change when my world was so safe and comforting? Why would I change when the outside world was a petrifying disturbance in routine?

This is where I believe that cutting a young person off from the outside world can cause more damage than good. Without keeping somebody linked with life outside a hospital environment how are they supposed to remember what they fighting for? As I didn’t have that reminder my life was purely my illness and me. My world was surrounded by weight, numbers, meals, restraints, exercise, self-harm etc… Even watching the news caused me anxiety.

So how do we cure this problem?

I believe that forward planning is part of the key. When a young person is brought into hospital it is important to let them know that it is not a long term answer to the problem. Throughout their stay long/short term goals being created can give a person courage that things can progress and change. That there is an expectation to work to achieve these goals and offer praise when they are achieved. After all remember how it would feel if you worked so hard then got nothing in return. For me, it felt there was no point trying.

If accessing the community was part of the group therapy programme at more hospital facilities then as a young teenager I would have been more motivated to follow the therapy programme and work towards discharge.

For families I think the answer is to keep in mind how difficult it can be to remember there is life outside the disorder. Although it may be frustrating, have patience and know that there will come a time in which a sufferer will feel ready to let down some of the barriers they hold. Remind them of the things they are missing out on, but at the same time remember guilt holds a huge role in an eating disorder and gentle encouragement for me was always most helpful.

This is where I think residential community placements are so important. Whilst being a supportive therapeutic environment we are also encouraged to access as much as possible in the community. This is a daily reminder that there is life outside an inpatient environment. That life is full of so many opportunities.  That life is for living and not just existing. 

My name is Chloe Alice Print-Lambert

I want you to know me, not my disorder.

I want you to know that I love anything to do with art. I love sewing and painting and drawing…even a children’s colouring book could keep me entertained for hours. I love to sit under a blanket and read a good book. Jodi Picoult and Cathy Glass are two of my favourite authors, but I am happy to read most things. I would much rather sit and read, than watch a film (unless it’s at the cinema!)

I have grown up surrounded by animals and they are my greatest companions. I love sitting and cuddling my lion head bunnies or playing with the dogs and taking them for long walks. Without the great outdoors I would be a different person. It’s the fresh air on my face, ready to get muddy kind of attitude that makes me feel good about myself.

I am a joules-aholic! I absolutely could own that shop (if I was rich) I love the country meets fashion look and I like to think I make an effort with how I look before I walk out the door.

I love sitting and chatting with friends, I was a chatterbox as a child and I don’t think that will ever leave me. But at the same time, I am a good listener. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to, I hope they know I am here always.

I am a follower of Christ. This is something that means a huge amount to me. In fact, it is probably the most important thing in my life. God is my everything and I literally wouldn’t be here without him. He helps me get up and be the person I want to be. He guides me always and he loves me dearly.

I am like a small child when it comes to Christmas! I would put the decorations up in September if I had the chance! I love giving presents way more than receiving them, and putting thought into each person’s gift then seeing their face when they open it.

I would love to travel the world, with a camera in hand and an open heart to anyone who may need me along the way. There is so much to witness in this world and I want to see it all. If I had the choice I would love to visit Cambodia and Vietnam, then on the flip side somewhere like New York or Australia. I would love to go on safari in Africa…just see the whole world!

So that is just a little about me, not anything to do with my illness.

Love and hugs,

Chloe xx

Accept that weight loss is no longer an option during recovery

As I stepped on the scales my heart beat became faster and faster, my palms became clammy and a surge of adrenaline burst through my body. All I needed was to lose a bit more weight. Yes, that would make everything better. That would keep my internal voice happy. Then I saw the number, my heart rate slowed down and I became overwhelmed with a sudden sense of sadness and anger. Not good enough. Never good enough. When will it ever be good enough? The determination to drive my weight down further then repeated itself over and over again. The self punishing internal voice demanded I try harder, that my efforts weren’t good enough.

I’m sure this is something many people throughout the world have experienced whilst suffering with an Eating Disorder. The drive to watch your weight plummet to control internal emotions. A drive to see the number on the scales go down, wear a smaller dress size, to have smaller measurements. But when does that desire to lose weight stop? Well, in my case it never has. Throughout my eating disorders duration my weight has gone up and down in a yo-yo effect too many times to count. I have eaten my way out of inpatient admissions and starved until I was placed back.

There is a point you reach in recovery when you are faced with a question; do you want to lose weight or do you want to have a life? I feel a huge part of the anxiety caused by putting an end to weight loss is the fear that people will assume that you are feeling better, that things are ok. In reality this is NOT true. Professionals know that weight loss is only a tiny part of a bigger picture. They will understand that the mental torture very much continues. Friends and family can be educated on this too. It is so important to let people know how you feel. Talk as much as possible, write thoughts and feelings down, cry if you need to. It is okay to feel sad, angry, desperate, anxious or alone. This doesn’t make you weak. The negative voice inside your head has no right to bully you in to thinking that you need to do this alone. You deserve to be well!

Accepting that is time to let go of weight loss is a huge commitment. If you can’t see a way out now, remember – Is it food that is the real issue? Is weight what really matters?

When supporting someone making huge decisions in their lives such as the decision to start the path to recovery it is so important to have patience. Recovery is a huge commitment and can cause a chaotic battle in the sufferers mind. Conflicting thoughts as to whether recovery is possible bombard me daily left, right and centre. Recovery takes time. There will be days where it feels that the individual is taking one step forward and two steps back. The important part is that they are challenging behaviour, learning, growing emotionally and experiencing moments of life without an eating disorder.

Losing weight will never solve your problems, but talking will.