Tuesday 4 February 2014

Fear- an insight.

The panic hit me, I could feel my heart beating through my chest. My hands became clammy and I lost the ability to sit still. I needed to calm down. Why did it feel so impossible? Why was I so scared?

Fear is a powerful emotion, was are faced with our 'fight or flight' instincts. Adrenaline pumps through our bodies, ready to react to any situation. But, sometimes fear is so unnecessary and something we just can't shift. It takes us when we least expect it. When we get nervous and feel fear, for example before an exam - fear can get in the way of the task we need to achieve. This becomes extremely inconvenient.

But for someone with mental illness fear comes in a way that can be completely debilitating . It stops people from committing themselves to recovery, myself included.

For such a long time my life was ruled by fear. Fear of being caught using self destructive behaviour, fear of when impulsive thoughts would hit me, fear of the future, fear of hurting the people I love so dearly...the list goes on and on.

I was in fear of recovery because I felt like mental illness was my identity. I didn't know how I would cope without using negative behaviour, who I would be without being known as "the girl that messed up at school", "the girl in hospital" or "the girl covered in scars". I didn't know how I was going to recreate myself. It made me so so scared. This held me back. I lost my friends, I didn't know how I was going to recreate myself.

I was in fear of recovery because my thoughts were so big and scary, that I didn't know how on earth they would give me a moments peace if I wasn't hurting myself. Hurting myself was what made the voices in my head quiet. The fear of losing that temporary silence is something that I will never forget.


I was in fear of recovery because I felt like I was setting myself up to fail. What if I couldn't do it? What if recovery is too hard? Then I would be failing and that is something I couldn't deal with. Sometimes I still find myself stuck at this point. I worry perfectionism will get the better of me and i I can't get recovery perfect (which isn't humanely possible!) Then there is no point trying at all.

But there is moments when I remember that I am human and this is totally okay. I don't have to get it right all the time. It is perfectly okay to make mistakes. When the mean bully in my head tells me I am useless, I try to respond with pity because I need to remember it is possible to succeed.

To let go of fear , we need to accept that being scared has a time and a place, and in order to move forwards we need to see that it doesn't have to take control. This is hard, but it is possible. Fear has no right to dictate over your life. By using certain emotions to counteract fear- such as excitement or anticipation, fear can be turn onto something positive.

It is okay to be scared, it is perfectly normal. It is when you start beating yourself up about it, that's not okay.

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