To mental health professionals- There's a BIG problem.

As I sat in the dark all alone, dark thoughts riddled my body. The thought of continuing to get up each day was unbearable and I knew that before soon, I would attempt to stop that process happening. 

I knew I needed to ask for help. But why was that so hard? Why was asking for people to save me so petrifying? I can see now exactly why. The fear of the unknown. The fear of rejection. The fear of being laughed at. The fear of being ignored...the list goes on. 

There is a BIG problem. 

Mental illness is not recognised in the severity it should be. People go unnoticed, they are seen as 'not ill enough yet" or there isn't enough money. People die because they are not taken seriously.

Vulnerable people shouldn't have to fight for treatment. Vulnerable being the key word!

THESE PEOPLE NEED HELP, NOT HINDRANCE.

If I was treated seriously, I may not have attempted suicide so many times. I may not have lay there critically on numerous occasions. When I young person comes in and says they are going to try and kill themselves THEY ARE SCREAMING FOR HELP! SO HELP THEM! 

But no, I was sent away with another appointment as usual. This put fuel on the fire. This was the rejection and the ignorance I was scared about in the first place. 

This is what angers me!

As a young girl I was put in dangerous situations too many times to count. I have made myself seriously ill through suicide attempts in psychiatric hospital. Through people not listening to my threats.  My threats were promises, yet I wasn't listened to. 

I am sick and tired of hearing the same stories from other people. 

THIS HAS TO STOP. 

LISTEN.

ACT.

ENSURE SAFETY.

SAVE LIVES. 

Overcoming thoughts of relapse

Recovery is a long process, it doesn't happen overnight, or even in a week. Recovery is learning self acceptance, it's getting rid of all those behaviours that hold a grasp on you. It is giving yourself a chance to experience life in a way that is free from the bullies in your mind and instead open to the endless possibilities the world has to offer. 

But because recovery is a process and doesn't happen with a click of your fingers, there is always a chance that someone could be coming close to the finishing line and fall at the last hurdle, slipping back into an old injured state. This makes the thought of beginning recovery scarier than can be put into words. Here's some thoughts that affected me personally: 

•"What if the end result isn't as good as I expect it to be?"

•"If I put in all this hard work and relapse, it will all be for nothing"

•"How am I supposed to recover when I can't tell myself apart from my illness?"

It felt like recovery was pointless, when there is a chance of getting my hopes up and then falling back down. 

But the truth is that there is a chance of falling in whatever you do. There is a chance of an emotional stumble at work, in a relationship, training for a sport...the list is endless. 

It is so important in recovery to realise what you are fighting for. You are fighting for freedom, for a peaceful mind, for control of your mind and body the right way, for a chance to be you- not an illness. When thoughts of giving in to the bully in your head arise, you muse fight them! If you give in once it's a slippery slope downhill. 

You have the power to overcome your thoughts. You have the power to overcome your feelings. YOU have the power to see yourself in a different light. To see your worth and potential. So on that dark day when relapse seems the easiest option, remember these words: I can fight for my freedom. I am a winner. 

When the thoughts of relapse enter your head, remember that you are in control of your recovery, thoughts are powerful but they are just thoughts. They have no right to have any control over you. Write a list of pros and cons, talk to people. Don't let your illness keep secrets, because the more open you are with people, the better chance you have. As soon as you keep secrets from those around you or tell white lies, you are giving your illness the chance to take control- and that's not okay! 

I have every faith that you can overcome your demons, but by having faith in yourself...that's when you will go far. 

"We will recover, the worst is over now."

Five years ago to this day, I was transferred to a psychiatric hospital for the first time, after being stabilised in a medical hospital with severe dehydration and malnourishment.

Five years ago I was fed via a tube, to keep me alive. I did not eat or drink anything for nine months whilst being tube fed and was fed through this tube, against my will. I was restrained when needed, so they could give me vital nourishment. All I could think about was being thin. I was hurting mentally and the obsession with loosing weight because a destructive distraction.

Since then I have spent birthdays and Christmas's in hospital. I have been sectioned under the mental health act. I have been classed as a "chronic self harmer" and "treatment resistant anorexic". I have been injected with medication and restrained for hours to stop me hurting myself. I have nearly died from suicide attempts.

But none of this is important anymore, because it is in the past. The past has no need to affect the present and certainly not the future. I cannot change the scars on my body. I cannot change my medical history. But I can change my behaviours and I can change the way people see me. I don't need to be the ill one anymore, because I have ambitions, I have goals and aspirations  and dreams of an exciting future! I have a support network surrounding me and I know I am cared for dearly.

You see, when you have been ill for so long, I know change is petrifying. It becomes your identity. Your armour almost. It hides the fragile person within that needs love and nurturing. I know you have it in you to let go of that armour. Because I can see you are strong. I can see you have an amazing future ahead of you. I can see you don't need to be afraid.

If I can get you to hear one thing, please let it be this:

It's okay to let go.

Fear- an insight.

The panic hit me, I could feel my heart beating through my chest. My hands became clammy and I lost the ability to sit still. I needed to calm down. Why did it feel so impossible? Why was I so scared?

Fear is a powerful emotion, was are faced with our 'fight or flight' instincts. Adrenaline pumps through our bodies, ready to react to any situation. But, sometimes fear is so unnecessary and something we just can't shift. It takes us when we least expect it. When we get nervous and feel fear, for example before an exam - fear can get in the way of the task we need to achieve. This becomes extremely inconvenient.

But for someone with mental illness fear comes in a way that can be completely debilitating . It stops people from committing themselves to recovery, myself included.

For such a long time my life was ruled by fear. Fear of being caught using self destructive behaviour, fear of when impulsive thoughts would hit me, fear of the future, fear of hurting the people I love so dearly...the list goes on and on.

I was in fear of recovery because I felt like mental illness was my identity. I didn't know how I would cope without using negative behaviour, who I would be without being known as "the girl that messed up at school", "the girl in hospital" or "the girl covered in scars". I didn't know how I was going to recreate myself. It made me so so scared. This held me back. I lost my friends, I didn't know how I was going to recreate myself.

I was in fear of recovery because my thoughts were so big and scary, that I didn't know how on earth they would give me a moments peace if I wasn't hurting myself. Hurting myself was what made the voices in my head quiet. The fear of losing that temporary silence is something that I will never forget.

I was in fear of recovery because I felt like I was setting myself up to fail. What if I couldn't do it? What if recovery is too hard? Then I would be failing and that is something I couldn't deal with. Sometimes I still find myself stuck at this point. I worry perfectionism will get the better of me and i I can't get recovery perfect (which isn't humanely possible!) Then there is no point trying at all.

But there is moments when I remember that I am human and this is totally okay. I don't have to get it right all the time. It is perfectly okay to make mistakes. When the mean bully in my head tells me I am useless, I try to respond with pity because I need to remember it is possible to succeed.

To let go of fear , we need to accept that being scared has a time and a place, and in order to move forwards we need to see that it doesn't have to take control. This is hard, but it is possible. Fear has no right to dictate over your life. By using certain emotions to counteract fear- such as excitement or anticipation, fear can be turn onto something positive.

It is okay to be scared, it is perfectly normal. It is when you start beating yourself up about it, that's not okay.

Power to change!

When the pot holes of life slow you down your journey….

Sometimes life isn’t easy. It’s something that everyone has experience of! A bad day may consist of the car breaking down or the washing machine flooding the kitchen. Then there may be really bad moments when a love one falls ill or a family pet dies.

But for someone living with mental illness, every day becomes a battle. Every living moments takes ridiculous amounts of energy to function in a way that shows the rest of the world that nothing is wrong. That everything is okay. This may be because of fear of how loved ones will react, whether people will take you seriously or not wanting people to find out your ‘secret’ because the negative thoughts in your mind tell you that you mustn’t tell or that you have to suffer alone.

For someone living with mental illness, the thought of waking up the next morning to do it all over again is petrifying and drains any joy out of day to day life. It takes away the ability to congratulate yourself on small achievements, because why on earth would you be allowed a compliment? Mental illness is so upsetting. No one can SEE how much pain you are going through unless you tell them, which is most often the hardest part. You end up struggling along alone feeling so hopeless.

But once again, it doesn’t have to be this way!

You see, each one of us has the power to change. We have the power to make small changes each day to succeed in recovery. Each loved one of a sufferer has the power to make their lives more comfortable on a practical and emotional level. People in general in everyday life have the power to change.

For a sufferer:

When you are suffering from mental illness, it is like a huge cloud of rain that follows you around. Many sufferers feel so hopeless and undeserving that they chose to stand in that rain, get wet and become even more miserable. They chose to stand in the dark because it seems the easiest option. So why not at this point grab an umbrella or go indoors? The umbrella may not stop the rain or keep you completely dry, but it will help in the short term, until something more practical long term arises.  I believe the best decision would be to go somewhere warm and dry and turn on the light. It may be a long walk but surely it would be better to be inside eventually rather than not at all.  

The rain is like the thoughts, feelings and actions mental illness causes. Standing in the rain is the hopelessness that follows these thoughts and feelings. The inability to see the light and therefore standing and getting wet.  An umbrella is the help you can receive from others in your life. It’s a way to reach out and use support to stand in the rain- the negativity, but not let it affect you quite as much. Then there is going indoors, turning on the light and getting warm again. This is recovery. To get there may be a long journey under the rain cloud still, but at least you know where you are going. When you reach the warm dry place, your feelings start to level out, the negative thoughts become more balanced. When you turn on the light, you see the true beauty the world holds. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO TAKE THAT JOURNEY.

You have the power to choose not to let the rain cloud get you wet anymore. You have the right to reach out and use the people around you to keep you dry. You have the ability to walk the journey to the warm, dry place and turn on the light, because you deserve complete happiness and freedom!

For a loved one of a sufferer:

When mental illness hits the person you love, it may feel like you are slowly losing the person you know. You may see them changing in a negative way. This isn’t right. This isn’t fair. If you see your loved one hurting, talk to them. Sometimes it is so hard to reach out. They may be waiting for you to make the first move. Do not hesitate. They may get angry or try to hide the truth, BUT THEY LOVE YOU JUST LIKE THEY ALWAYS HAVE. Mental illness is hard. It tears your world apart. Show them that you love them every time you get the chance. Take the time to show them that they are not alone.

They are travelling from living under a huge dark cloud, to try and find a warm dry place. It’s not easy! It takes daily internal battles. I know it’s hard but please try to be patient. You will be thanked one day. Maybe you won’t feel it right now, but it will happen.

To someone who wants to make a change:

By being non-judgemental, you can make a change. By taking time to understand what it’s like for someone with mental health difficulties, you can make a change. By treating people with mental illness the same as other people, you can make a change. By showing that you are willing to support mental health charities and organisations, you can make a change. You can make a change in so many ways.

Smile at someone in the street, you never know, it might make their day.