"We will recover, the worst is over now."

Five years ago to this day, I was transferred to a psychiatric hospital for the first time, after being stabilised in a medical hospital with severe dehydration and malnourishment.

Five years ago I was fed via a tube, to keep me alive. I did not eat or drink anything for nine months whilst being tube fed and was fed through this tube, against my will. I was restrained when needed, so they could give me vital nourishment. All I could think about was being thin. I was hurting mentally and the obsession with loosing weight because a destructive distraction.

Since then I have spent birthdays and Christmas's in hospital. I have been sectioned under the mental health act. I have been classed as a "chronic self harmer" and "treatment resistant anorexic". I have been injected with medication and restrained for hours to stop me hurting myself. I have nearly died from suicide attempts.

But none of this is important anymore, because it is in the past. The past has no need to affect the present and certainly not the future. I cannot change the scars on my body. I cannot change my medical history. But I can change my behaviours and I can change the way people see me. I don't need to be the ill one anymore, because I have ambitions, I have goals and aspirations  and dreams of an exciting future! I have a support network surrounding me and I know I am cared for dearly.

You see, when you have been ill for so long, I know change is petrifying. It becomes your identity. Your armour almost. It hides the fragile person within that needs love and nurturing. I know you have it in you to let go of that armour. Because I can see you are strong. I can see you have an amazing future ahead of you. I can see you don't need to be afraid.

If I can get you to hear one thing, please let it be this:

It's okay to let go.

Power to change!

When the pot holes of life slow you down your journey….

Sometimes life isn’t easy. It’s something that everyone has experience of! A bad day may consist of the car breaking down or the washing machine flooding the kitchen. Then there may be really bad moments when a love one falls ill or a family pet dies.

But for someone living with mental illness, every day becomes a battle. Every living moments takes ridiculous amounts of energy to function in a way that shows the rest of the world that nothing is wrong. That everything is okay. This may be because of fear of how loved ones will react, whether people will take you seriously or not wanting people to find out your ‘secret’ because the negative thoughts in your mind tell you that you mustn’t tell or that you have to suffer alone.

For someone living with mental illness, the thought of waking up the next morning to do it all over again is petrifying and drains any joy out of day to day life. It takes away the ability to congratulate yourself on small achievements, because why on earth would you be allowed a compliment? Mental illness is so upsetting. No one can SEE how much pain you are going through unless you tell them, which is most often the hardest part. You end up struggling along alone feeling so hopeless.

But once again, it doesn’t have to be this way!

You see, each one of us has the power to change. We have the power to make small changes each day to succeed in recovery. Each loved one of a sufferer has the power to make their lives more comfortable on a practical and emotional level. People in general in everyday life have the power to change.

For a sufferer:

When you are suffering from mental illness, it is like a huge cloud of rain that follows you around. Many sufferers feel so hopeless and undeserving that they chose to stand in that rain, get wet and become even more miserable. They chose to stand in the dark because it seems the easiest option. So why not at this point grab an umbrella or go indoors? The umbrella may not stop the rain or keep you completely dry, but it will help in the short term, until something more practical long term arises.  I believe the best decision would be to go somewhere warm and dry and turn on the light. It may be a long walk but surely it would be better to be inside eventually rather than not at all.  

The rain is like the thoughts, feelings and actions mental illness causes. Standing in the rain is the hopelessness that follows these thoughts and feelings. The inability to see the light and therefore standing and getting wet.  An umbrella is the help you can receive from others in your life. It’s a way to reach out and use support to stand in the rain- the negativity, but not let it affect you quite as much. Then there is going indoors, turning on the light and getting warm again. This is recovery. To get there may be a long journey under the rain cloud still, but at least you know where you are going. When you reach the warm dry place, your feelings start to level out, the negative thoughts become more balanced. When you turn on the light, you see the true beauty the world holds. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO TAKE THAT JOURNEY.

You have the power to choose not to let the rain cloud get you wet anymore. You have the right to reach out and use the people around you to keep you dry. You have the ability to walk the journey to the warm, dry place and turn on the light, because you deserve complete happiness and freedom!

For a loved one of a sufferer:

When mental illness hits the person you love, it may feel like you are slowly losing the person you know. You may see them changing in a negative way. This isn’t right. This isn’t fair. If you see your loved one hurting, talk to them. Sometimes it is so hard to reach out. They may be waiting for you to make the first move. Do not hesitate. They may get angry or try to hide the truth, BUT THEY LOVE YOU JUST LIKE THEY ALWAYS HAVE. Mental illness is hard. It tears your world apart. Show them that you love them every time you get the chance. Take the time to show them that they are not alone.

They are travelling from living under a huge dark cloud, to try and find a warm dry place. It’s not easy! It takes daily internal battles. I know it’s hard but please try to be patient. You will be thanked one day. Maybe you won’t feel it right now, but it will happen.

To someone who wants to make a change:

By being non-judgemental, you can make a change. By taking time to understand what it’s like for someone with mental health difficulties, you can make a change. By treating people with mental illness the same as other people, you can make a change. By showing that you are willing to support mental health charities and organisations, you can make a change. You can make a change in so many ways.

Smile at someone in the street, you never know, it might make their day.