Isolation caused by mental illness

a poem I wrote popped into my head and is something I would like to share with you. I wrote this aged 15 whilst in hospital due to my eating disorder.

“This is my life now.

I wake up every morning, it feels no better than the last. I instantly think to myself “another day to get through, another day to pass.” I always try to be positive, and think the day will be okay, but optimism doesn’t cure sadness; I’ve learnt that the hard way.

I have tried to always stay positive and engage in ‘what will help me’ but there’s only so much strength I hold and now I’m running on empty. I have no reasons to keep fighting, stay strong or work so hard, no matter what I do my mind set is always ‘lose weight fast’. I have never been so lonely, in my whole entire life, as now. Just totally alone with nobody to care for me. I wish I could find a reason to live but no matter how deep within my soul I search – I find nothing.

I just want the world to give up on me now, let me do as I please. Maybe if I were to be given the chance I would prove myself wrong and succeed. But whilst I’m trapped within these four walls, the walls that are my mind, no taste for the world outside, I see nothing but a dismal life.”

I feel the poem speaks for itself. I felt hopeless, I couldn’t see a way out. I was trapped in my mind that was riddled with Anorexia and there was no glimmer of hope. No light at the end of the tunnel.

But, I feel I am an example that people with an Eating Disorder are not in any way a lost cause. I have learnt a lot in the last few years and although I still have a long journey ahead of me, I know that I have made progress and I have learnt a lot along the way. This still feels scary, but I am learning that it’s okay to be scared. I don’t have to be strong all the time. I am a human, just like everybody else. Nobody is ever perfect and that’s ok.

I still find it hard to believe that I will ever be truly free of my Eating disorder. Imagine carrying something around with you for years believing it was part of you and then slowly it is taken away from you bit by bit. Imagine trying to carry on with life without it. Sounds hard right? If you are supporting someone in recovery it is so important to remember this isn’t something that developed overnight, so it won’t go away overnight either. If you are in recovery yourself I would like you to remember, you are not alone. It is ok to let people in, I promise.

“People do not recover in isolation”

This quote is so close to home for me. I believe that the first thing Anorexia did was strip me of my friends and family. Anorexia wants you to be alone, it knows the power of strength in numbers and that it can take over your life if it takes that strength away.  Something I was once told by a nurse at a young age was to let other people hold onto hope that recovery is possible, when you can’t hold it yourself. If you are a friend/family member/carer of a sufferer I believe it is best hold onto that hope for them, they will thank you for it one day.