Power to change!

When the pot holes of life slow you down your journey….

Sometimes life isn’t easy. It’s something that everyone has experience of! A bad day may consist of the car breaking down or the washing machine flooding the kitchen. Then there may be really bad moments when a love one falls ill or a family pet dies.

But for someone living with mental illness, every day becomes a battle. Every living moments takes ridiculous amounts of energy to function in a way that shows the rest of the world that nothing is wrong. That everything is okay. This may be because of fear of how loved ones will react, whether people will take you seriously or not wanting people to find out your ‘secret’ because the negative thoughts in your mind tell you that you mustn’t tell or that you have to suffer alone.

For someone living with mental illness, the thought of waking up the next morning to do it all over again is petrifying and drains any joy out of day to day life. It takes away the ability to congratulate yourself on small achievements, because why on earth would you be allowed a compliment? Mental illness is so upsetting. No one can SEE how much pain you are going through unless you tell them, which is most often the hardest part. You end up struggling along alone feeling so hopeless.

But once again, it doesn’t have to be this way!

You see, each one of us has the power to change. We have the power to make small changes each day to succeed in recovery. Each loved one of a sufferer has the power to make their lives more comfortable on a practical and emotional level. People in general in everyday life have the power to change.

For a sufferer:

When you are suffering from mental illness, it is like a huge cloud of rain that follows you around. Many sufferers feel so hopeless and undeserving that they chose to stand in that rain, get wet and become even more miserable. They chose to stand in the dark because it seems the easiest option. So why not at this point grab an umbrella or go indoors? The umbrella may not stop the rain or keep you completely dry, but it will help in the short term, until something more practical long term arises.  I believe the best decision would be to go somewhere warm and dry and turn on the light. It may be a long walk but surely it would be better to be inside eventually rather than not at all.  

The rain is like the thoughts, feelings and actions mental illness causes. Standing in the rain is the hopelessness that follows these thoughts and feelings. The inability to see the light and therefore standing and getting wet.  An umbrella is the help you can receive from others in your life. It’s a way to reach out and use support to stand in the rain- the negativity, but not let it affect you quite as much. Then there is going indoors, turning on the light and getting warm again. This is recovery. To get there may be a long journey under the rain cloud still, but at least you know where you are going. When you reach the warm dry place, your feelings start to level out, the negative thoughts become more balanced. When you turn on the light, you see the true beauty the world holds. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO TAKE THAT JOURNEY.

You have the power to choose not to let the rain cloud get you wet anymore. You have the right to reach out and use the people around you to keep you dry. You have the ability to walk the journey to the warm, dry place and turn on the light, because you deserve complete happiness and freedom!

For a loved one of a sufferer:

When mental illness hits the person you love, it may feel like you are slowly losing the person you know. You may see them changing in a negative way. This isn’t right. This isn’t fair. If you see your loved one hurting, talk to them. Sometimes it is so hard to reach out. They may be waiting for you to make the first move. Do not hesitate. They may get angry or try to hide the truth, BUT THEY LOVE YOU JUST LIKE THEY ALWAYS HAVE. Mental illness is hard. It tears your world apart. Show them that you love them every time you get the chance. Take the time to show them that they are not alone.

They are travelling from living under a huge dark cloud, to try and find a warm dry place. It’s not easy! It takes daily internal battles. I know it’s hard but please try to be patient. You will be thanked one day. Maybe you won’t feel it right now, but it will happen.

To someone who wants to make a change:

By being non-judgemental, you can make a change. By taking time to understand what it’s like for someone with mental health difficulties, you can make a change. By treating people with mental illness the same as other people, you can make a change. By showing that you are willing to support mental health charities and organisations, you can make a change. You can make a change in so many ways.

Smile at someone in the street, you never know, it might make their day. 

Tackling Thought Overload

One day I was sitting talking to a staff member in a unit, and they asked me what was wrong. I told them “I really don’t know.” And went on to explain it by saying….

Imagine this:

There is a big hall filled with 600 people:

THEY ARE ALL SHOUTING REALLY LOUD!

Imagine the noise they create.

Now try and listen to just one of those people.

It would be really difficult, right?

Those six hundred people are like the hundreds of thoughts that go round in my head at any one time. People ask me what I am thinking and when I say “I don’t know” I really mean it. It is so hard to pick out one of those thoughts from my head when they are all ‘shouting’ at once.

When I said I didn’t know how I was feeling, I really meant it. It’s upsetting because I wanted to scream from the rooftops WHAT IS GOING ON, EVERYTHING JUST GET OUT MY HEAD. But I knew that would do nothing.

So I had to be more strategic. I got a note book and a pen and I wrote down every possible emotion that I could possibly be feeling, from angry to hopeful to excited to determined…the list just went on! Then I sat and wrote next to each emotion situations in my life that may be making me feel this way. I then proceeded to write down the thoughts that would come with that situation and emotion. This took hours but I slowly began to unravel my thoughts.

Then came the most important, most difficult part. Talking about them.

My therapist when I was 13 or 14 explained thoughts as crumpled up pieces of paper, all thrown into your brain and when you have an overloaded amount all those thoughts are compressed down and fill up and up until they don’t fit. That’s when it becomes distressing. So to sort this out, all the thoughts need to come back out, be flattened out, folded up and put back in neatly. They can all be filed away in sections.

This takes time. It takes talking, processing and letting go of emotions that just do not deserve a place in your mind. It takes the strength to put negative emotions and thoughts in a box and leave them there. But it is possible.

It is possible to wake up each day and make the conscious decision to make sure your emotions and thoughts stay neatly filed away. It is possible to talk and process these thoughts with someone you trust.

If you are supporting someone who is going through this process, please be patient. Doing this brings a lot of thoughts to the top of somebodies mind that they may not have thought about for a long time. Therapy is hard work. It is not walking into a room, offloading then forgetting about it. It is emotionally draining. It takes time and effort. It breaks down internal walls. It may make the person involved tearful or irritable, but please stick by them. It is for their own good. It is for the good of everyone around that is involved in their life. So they can have their loved one back, without the fear that they are suffering.

If you are thinking about unravelling your thoughts, I promise it is going to be okay. I promise that although it will tough- but worth it. I know that you are suffering, and I am so sorry. But it won’t be forever. If you begin this process you will feel the rewards in the future.  Find someone you trust, whether that be a professional or a loved one. You deserve support to get through this difficult time.  

Isolation caused by mental illness

a poem I wrote popped into my head and is something I would like to share with you. I wrote this aged 15 whilst in hospital due to my eating disorder.

“This is my life now.

I wake up every morning, it feels no better than the last. I instantly think to myself “another day to get through, another day to pass.” I always try to be positive, and think the day will be okay, but optimism doesn’t cure sadness; I’ve learnt that the hard way.

I have tried to always stay positive and engage in ‘what will help me’ but there’s only so much strength I hold and now I’m running on empty. I have no reasons to keep fighting, stay strong or work so hard, no matter what I do my mind set is always ‘lose weight fast’. I have never been so lonely, in my whole entire life, as now. Just totally alone with nobody to care for me. I wish I could find a reason to live but no matter how deep within my soul I search – I find nothing.

I just want the world to give up on me now, let me do as I please. Maybe if I were to be given the chance I would prove myself wrong and succeed. But whilst I’m trapped within these four walls, the walls that are my mind, no taste for the world outside, I see nothing but a dismal life.”

I feel the poem speaks for itself. I felt hopeless, I couldn’t see a way out. I was trapped in my mind that was riddled with Anorexia and there was no glimmer of hope. No light at the end of the tunnel.

But, I feel I am an example that people with an Eating Disorder are not in any way a lost cause. I have learnt a lot in the last few years and although I still have a long journey ahead of me, I know that I have made progress and I have learnt a lot along the way. This still feels scary, but I am learning that it’s okay to be scared. I don’t have to be strong all the time. I am a human, just like everybody else. Nobody is ever perfect and that’s ok.

I still find it hard to believe that I will ever be truly free of my Eating disorder. Imagine carrying something around with you for years believing it was part of you and then slowly it is taken away from you bit by bit. Imagine trying to carry on with life without it. Sounds hard right? If you are supporting someone in recovery it is so important to remember this isn’t something that developed overnight, so it won’t go away overnight either. If you are in recovery yourself I would like you to remember, you are not alone. It is ok to let people in, I promise.

“People do not recover in isolation”

This quote is so close to home for me. I believe that the first thing Anorexia did was strip me of my friends and family. Anorexia wants you to be alone, it knows the power of strength in numbers and that it can take over your life if it takes that strength away.  Something I was once told by a nurse at a young age was to let other people hold onto hope that recovery is possible, when you can’t hold it yourself. If you are a friend/family member/carer of a sufferer I believe it is best hold onto that hope for them, they will thank you for it one day.

Are long inpatient stays in psychiatric hospitals beneficial for young people?

I thought I could share with you my experiences regarding inpatient services. I feel it is important that people understand hospital admissions are sometimes crucial and lifesaving when a young person is entrenched in their eating disorder and are suffering physical implications caused by this illness. I also feel it is completely necessary when someone has intent to hurt themselves and are therefore not fit to be in the community. I know from experience that changing this mind set does not come easily and because of this I agree that some people need long inpatient admissions to ensure safety. Unfortunately this leads to other implications, which I have also personally experiences.

As a young adolescent I was admitted to a psychiatric unit for children and adolescents and I stayed there for the best part of the year. Throughout that year I was deemed too unwell to go out and access the community, too unstable to attend school and too unsafe to go home or out with family for any length of time. My world became smaller and smaller. In fact my world became a small bubble within the unit. I lost sight of the ‘real world’ and I lived my life very much wrapped in cotton wool. This meant I had no motivators to change, because why would I change when my world was so safe and comforting? Why would I change when the outside world was a petrifying disturbance in routine?

This is where I believe that cutting a young person off from the outside world can cause more damage than good. Without keeping somebody linked with life outside a hospital environment how are they supposed to remember what they fighting for? As I didn’t have that reminder my life was purely my illness and me. My world was surrounded by weight, numbers, meals, restraints, exercise, self-harm etc… Even watching the news caused me anxiety.

So how do we cure this problem?

I believe that forward planning is part of the key. When a young person is brought into hospital it is important to let them know that it is not a long term answer to the problem. Throughout their stay long/short term goals being created can give a person courage that things can progress and change. That there is an expectation to work to achieve these goals and offer praise when they are achieved. After all remember how it would feel if you worked so hard then got nothing in return. For me, it felt there was no point trying.

If accessing the community was part of the group therapy programme at more hospital facilities then as a young teenager I would have been more motivated to follow the therapy programme and work towards discharge.

For families I think the answer is to keep in mind how difficult it can be to remember there is life outside the disorder. Although it may be frustrating, have patience and know that there will come a time in which a sufferer will feel ready to let down some of the barriers they hold. Remind them of the things they are missing out on, but at the same time remember guilt holds a huge role in an eating disorder and gentle encouragement for me was always most helpful.

This is where I think residential community placements are so important. Whilst being a supportive therapeutic environment we are also encouraged to access as much as possible in the community. This is a daily reminder that there is life outside an inpatient environment. That life is full of so many opportunities.  That life is for living and not just existing. 

My name is Chloe Alice Print-Lambert

I want you to know me, not my disorder.

I want you to know that I love anything to do with art. I love sewing and painting and drawing…even a children’s colouring book could keep me entertained for hours. I love to sit under a blanket and read a good book. Jodi Picoult and Cathy Glass are two of my favourite authors, but I am happy to read most things. I would much rather sit and read, than watch a film (unless it’s at the cinema!)

I have grown up surrounded by animals and they are my greatest companions. I love sitting and cuddling my lion head bunnies or playing with the dogs and taking them for long walks. Without the great outdoors I would be a different person. It’s the fresh air on my face, ready to get muddy kind of attitude that makes me feel good about myself.

I am a joules-aholic! I absolutely could own that shop (if I was rich) I love the country meets fashion look and I like to think I make an effort with how I look before I walk out the door.

I love sitting and chatting with friends, I was a chatterbox as a child and I don’t think that will ever leave me. But at the same time, I am a good listener. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to, I hope they know I am here always.

I am a follower of Christ. This is something that means a huge amount to me. In fact, it is probably the most important thing in my life. God is my everything and I literally wouldn’t be here without him. He helps me get up and be the person I want to be. He guides me always and he loves me dearly.

I am like a small child when it comes to Christmas! I would put the decorations up in September if I had the chance! I love giving presents way more than receiving them, and putting thought into each person’s gift then seeing their face when they open it.

I would love to travel the world, with a camera in hand and an open heart to anyone who may need me along the way. There is so much to witness in this world and I want to see it all. If I had the choice I would love to visit Cambodia and Vietnam, then on the flip side somewhere like New York or Australia. I would love to go on safari in Africa…just see the whole world!

So that is just a little about me, not anything to do with my illness.

Love and hugs,

Chloe xx

Accept that weight loss is no longer an option during recovery

As I stepped on the scales my heart beat became faster and faster, my palms became clammy and a surge of adrenaline burst through my body. All I needed was to lose a bit more weight. Yes, that would make everything better. That would keep my internal voice happy. Then I saw the number, my heart rate slowed down and I became overwhelmed with a sudden sense of sadness and anger. Not good enough. Never good enough. When will it ever be good enough? The determination to drive my weight down further then repeated itself over and over again. The self punishing internal voice demanded I try harder, that my efforts weren’t good enough.

I’m sure this is something many people throughout the world have experienced whilst suffering with an Eating Disorder. The drive to watch your weight plummet to control internal emotions. A drive to see the number on the scales go down, wear a smaller dress size, to have smaller measurements. But when does that desire to lose weight stop? Well, in my case it never has. Throughout my eating disorders duration my weight has gone up and down in a yo-yo effect too many times to count. I have eaten my way out of inpatient admissions and starved until I was placed back.

There is a point you reach in recovery when you are faced with a question; do you want to lose weight or do you want to have a life? I feel a huge part of the anxiety caused by putting an end to weight loss is the fear that people will assume that you are feeling better, that things are ok. In reality this is NOT true. Professionals know that weight loss is only a tiny part of a bigger picture. They will understand that the mental torture very much continues. Friends and family can be educated on this too. It is so important to let people know how you feel. Talk as much as possible, write thoughts and feelings down, cry if you need to. It is okay to feel sad, angry, desperate, anxious or alone. This doesn’t make you weak. The negative voice inside your head has no right to bully you in to thinking that you need to do this alone. You deserve to be well!

Accepting that is time to let go of weight loss is a huge commitment. If you can’t see a way out now, remember – Is it food that is the real issue? Is weight what really matters?

When supporting someone making huge decisions in their lives such as the decision to start the path to recovery it is so important to have patience. Recovery is a huge commitment and can cause a chaotic battle in the sufferers mind. Conflicting thoughts as to whether recovery is possible bombard me daily left, right and centre. Recovery takes time. There will be days where it feels that the individual is taking one step forward and two steps back. The important part is that they are challenging behaviour, learning, growing emotionally and experiencing moments of life without an eating disorder.

Losing weight will never solve your problems, but talking will.