"We will recover, the worst is over now."

Five years ago to this day, I was transferred to a psychiatric hospital for the first time, after being stabilised in a medical hospital with severe dehydration and malnourishment.

Five years ago I was fed via a tube, to keep me alive. I did not eat or drink anything for nine months whilst being tube fed and was fed through this tube, against my will. I was restrained when needed, so they could give me vital nourishment. All I could think about was being thin. I was hurting mentally and the obsession with loosing weight because a destructive distraction.

Since then I have spent birthdays and Christmas's in hospital. I have been sectioned under the mental health act. I have been classed as a "chronic self harmer" and "treatment resistant anorexic". I have been injected with medication and restrained for hours to stop me hurting myself. I have nearly died from suicide attempts.

But none of this is important anymore, because it is in the past. The past has no need to affect the present and certainly not the future. I cannot change the scars on my body. I cannot change my medical history. But I can change my behaviours and I can change the way people see me. I don't need to be the ill one anymore, because I have ambitions, I have goals and aspirations  and dreams of an exciting future! I have a support network surrounding me and I know I am cared for dearly.

You see, when you have been ill for so long, I know change is petrifying. It becomes your identity. Your armour almost. It hides the fragile person within that needs love and nurturing. I know you have it in you to let go of that armour. Because I can see you are strong. I can see you have an amazing future ahead of you. I can see you don't need to be afraid.

If I can get you to hear one thing, please let it be this:

It's okay to let go.

Just a little reminder...

When the going gets tough, when life brings you down, remember this: 

You are loved, but the most important love you need is the love towards yourself- that will get you far. 

I was talking to someone the other day and they said "Chloe I have a loving family and amazing friends, why am I still so unhappy?"

Well, that's because no matter how much others love you, without self love it means nothing. If you hate yourself and loathe who you are, why would someone else loving you make any difference? It just hits the brick wall you have built around yourself. I believe that we all have it in us to love who we are, but it takes time, maturity and patience. It takes work and effort.

How do you do this? That's something I can't give you. You have to make the decision to fight the monsters in your head and LISTEN to the world around you. Their compliments speak truth! The positivity other see in you doesn't appear out the blue. You have earned it for being the person you are. Please, take a moment to sit and write down the things you DO like about yourself, whether it be physically or emotionally. You have purpose in this world. You have wonderful qualities and I so wish that you can see what everyone else sees in you. 

If you can't write down any qualities for yourself (which is perfectly okay) how about asking someone else you trust to help you. Don't feel embarrassed doing this, I'm positive that they will be happy to help. 

YOU are a valuable part of this world, you are beautifully made and deserve The best chance in life. But you need to see that it takes a leap of faith on your part, it takes a leap into the unknown to see that you have endless possibilities in your life. Please please understand that self love is your chance of freedom. So fight! Fight as hard as you can. Fight to see yourself in the way everybody else sees you. 

I care, I love you. So many others do too. Please don't give up, one day you will look back on this as a distant memory.