To mental health professionals- There's a BIG problem.

As I sat in the dark all alone, dark thoughts riddled my body. The thought of continuing to get up each day was unbearable and I knew that before soon, I would attempt to stop that process happening. 

I knew I needed to ask for help. But why was that so hard? Why was asking for people to save me so petrifying? I can see now exactly why. The fear of the unknown. The fear of rejection. The fear of being laughed at. The fear of being ignored...the list goes on. 

There is a BIG problem. 

Mental illness is not recognised in the severity it should be. People go unnoticed, they are seen as 'not ill enough yet" or there isn't enough money. People die because they are not taken seriously.

Vulnerable people shouldn't have to fight for treatment. Vulnerable being the key word!

THESE PEOPLE NEED HELP, NOT HINDRANCE.

If I was treated seriously, I may not have attempted suicide so many times. I may not have lay there critically on numerous occasions. When I young person comes in and says they are going to try and kill themselves THEY ARE SCREAMING FOR HELP! SO HELP THEM! 

But no, I was sent away with another appointment as usual. This put fuel on the fire. This was the rejection and the ignorance I was scared about in the first place. 

This is what angers me!

As a young girl I was put in dangerous situations too many times to count. I have made myself seriously ill through suicide attempts in psychiatric hospital. Through people not listening to my threats.  My threats were promises, yet I wasn't listened to. 

I am sick and tired of hearing the same stories from other people. 

THIS HAS TO STOP. 

LISTEN.

ACT.

ENSURE SAFETY.

SAVE LIVES. 

Overcoming thoughts of relapse

Recovery is a long process, it doesn't happen overnight, or even in a week. Recovery is learning self acceptance, it's getting rid of all those behaviours that hold a grasp on you. It is giving yourself a chance to experience life in a way that is free from the bullies in your mind and instead open to the endless possibilities the world has to offer. 

But because recovery is a process and doesn't happen with a click of your fingers, there is always a chance that someone could be coming close to the finishing line and fall at the last hurdle, slipping back into an old injured state. This makes the thought of beginning recovery scarier than can be put into words. Here's some thoughts that affected me personally: 

•"What if the end result isn't as good as I expect it to be?"

•"If I put in all this hard work and relapse, it will all be for nothing"

•"How am I supposed to recover when I can't tell myself apart from my illness?"

It felt like recovery was pointless, when there is a chance of getting my hopes up and then falling back down. 

But the truth is that there is a chance of falling in whatever you do. There is a chance of an emotional stumble at work, in a relationship, training for a sport...the list is endless. 

It is so important in recovery to realise what you are fighting for. You are fighting for freedom, for a peaceful mind, for control of your mind and body the right way, for a chance to be you- not an illness. When thoughts of giving in to the bully in your head arise, you muse fight them! If you give in once it's a slippery slope downhill. 

You have the power to overcome your thoughts. You have the power to overcome your feelings. YOU have the power to see yourself in a different light. To see your worth and potential. So on that dark day when relapse seems the easiest option, remember these words: I can fight for my freedom. I am a winner. 

When the thoughts of relapse enter your head, remember that you are in control of your recovery, thoughts are powerful but they are just thoughts. They have no right to have any control over you. Write a list of pros and cons, talk to people. Don't let your illness keep secrets, because the more open you are with people, the better chance you have. As soon as you keep secrets from those around you or tell white lies, you are giving your illness the chance to take control- and that's not okay! 

I have every faith that you can overcome your demons, but by having faith in yourself...that's when you will go far. 

When it all becomes so normal....that's when you have a big problem.

You know there is a problem when seeing someone self harm or stop eating doesn't even cause you to bat an eyelid. But do you? 

The problem is that when you struggle with mental illness you forget that it isn't the norm. It isn't normal to see someone with a tube taped to their face and scars covering their body. It isn't the norm to see someone sobbing for hours or pacing around unable to sit down. 

But to a person that has spent long period of time in a hospital environment, this becomes something you see on a daily basis, it becomes so normal you are immune to the shock that others may experience witnessing the same sights. 

You see, our world becomes mental illness. We live and breathe it. We are surrounded by it each day, each night. It becomes normality. We become immune to the affects of other struggles to a certain extent. This in turn downplays our own struggles because it is normal to see I'm others, therefore it is normal to see in ourselves. 

So for a sufferer of Anorexia Nervosa who is institutionalised in such a way, seeing people who are so underweight, it becomes so normal. You don't think "gosh they're emaciated", it's just another person. It puts so much pressure on you when you are surrounded by people who are underweight and suffering. There is always someone thinner; after all you re in a unit for Anorexia. But if you were to be out in the real world you wouldn't always have that person thinner (who coincidently could be any size with such a distorted view) to compare yourself to. 

Living in the real world, it gives you back that sense of reality. It shows you the true meaning of life and gives you am idea of what you're missing out on. You see people going to work and school. You see couples walking down the street. You regain an idea of what a 'normal' life entails. A life that doesn't have to be exciting every minute of the day, but is peaceful. 

You see life beyond the four walls of a hospital, and certainly beyond mental illness. It's not easy, but it's possible 100%. If it's possible for others to live life, then it's possible for you too! 

"We will recover, the worst is over now."

Five years ago to this day, I was transferred to a psychiatric hospital for the first time, after being stabilised in a medical hospital with severe dehydration and malnourishment.

Five years ago I was fed via a tube, to keep me alive. I did not eat or drink anything for nine months whilst being tube fed and was fed through this tube, against my will. I was restrained when needed, so they could give me vital nourishment. All I could think about was being thin. I was hurting mentally and the obsession with loosing weight because a destructive distraction.

Since then I have spent birthdays and Christmas's in hospital. I have been sectioned under the mental health act. I have been classed as a "chronic self harmer" and "treatment resistant anorexic". I have been injected with medication and restrained for hours to stop me hurting myself. I have nearly died from suicide attempts.

But none of this is important anymore, because it is in the past. The past has no need to affect the present and certainly not the future. I cannot change the scars on my body. I cannot change my medical history. But I can change my behaviours and I can change the way people see me. I don't need to be the ill one anymore, because I have ambitions, I have goals and aspirations  and dreams of an exciting future! I have a support network surrounding me and I know I am cared for dearly.

You see, when you have been ill for so long, I know change is petrifying. It becomes your identity. Your armour almost. It hides the fragile person within that needs love and nurturing. I know you have it in you to let go of that armour. Because I can see you are strong. I can see you have an amazing future ahead of you. I can see you don't need to be afraid.

If I can get you to hear one thing, please let it be this:

It's okay to let go.